your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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