Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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