coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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