dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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