Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
