I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
