I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
