Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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