Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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