Please don't use social media to get back at me.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
