I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
