My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
