it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
