You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
