I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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