dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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