apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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