I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
