cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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