So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
