Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
