The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
