got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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