you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
