i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
