The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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