I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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