I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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