tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
