I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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