i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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