if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
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He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
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Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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