we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
