ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
