I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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