Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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