I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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