fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
