you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
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There's always time for handjobs
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
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I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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