Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
