I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
