o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
