We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
