you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
