K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
