so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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