i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
