kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
