Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
