the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
