She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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