You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
