I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
