i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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