I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
