I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
