I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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