people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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